New Friends and Old Enemies
by Missy1
Summary: I have tried to follow the humour used in the show, so I hope you like it! Oh, I've added a new character to add to the humour.


Red Dwarf-

New Friends and Old Enemies

It is another day in space. The crew are in Starbug's Scanner Room; Dave Lister is eating while the others are discussing what to do about the supply situation.

Kryten: We've got back down to the bare minimum Sir.

Cat: What is the bare minimum?

Lister: doesn't look up from the foil dishIf it's lichens again, I'm gonna drown myself in this curry.

Kryten: Oh no, it's not as bad as that, yet. Besides, what's wrong with my fungal dishes?

Lister: Nothing. It's just that you shouldn't get constipation _from_ eating fibre.

Kryten: sighing Don't worry; there's enough supplies for the next 6 months.

Cat: So what're you worryin' for?

Lister: Surely we can wait for a few months before we worry about the supplies?

Kryten: Well, Space Core Directive….

Rimmer: Oh yes Lister, you really should have read your Directive before you joined up. That way you would know that we have to consider Space Core Directive 571990342, not that you'd understand what it states.

Kryten: 571990342?

Rimmer: looks smug Yes.

Kryten: "Any crew member eating a Pot Noodle in the Gourmet Restaurant will be placed on toilet cleaning duty for seven months"? A very important Directive sir…

Lister: Too smegging right!

Kryten: But I fail to see how this corresponds to this situation?

Rimmer: ignores them No, you're wrong Kryten. I think you'll find that 571990342 states that: "The supply situation aboard any vessel, must be dealt with before any problems arise."

Kryten: That's Space Core Directive 57199034**3** sir.

Rimmer: still ignoring them Where are we going to get supplies from?

Cat: If it involves going back in time again, you can forget it.

Kryten: I agree Sirs, causality is too important to ignore this time.

Cat: Caus- what? I meant that if I have to wear another one of those brown suits with matching hat, I will attack someone!

Kryten: I suggest that we go looking for a desolated ship, so that we can retrieve food supplies from it. Perhaps we could also gain some some other supplies too.

Lister: Like what?

Kryten: Well, some work tools are getting rusty and some kitchen utensils are breaking as well. Mr Rimmer could do with some backup batteries too.

Cat: But more importantly, our 'Cluedo' game has run out of those little checklists.

Kryten: As you can see, we are getting into quite a desperate situation.

**They all agree and start to search for a shipwreck. They are now in the Drive Room.**

** **

Cat: I can smell somethin'.

Kryten: There's nothing on the scanner, are you sure Sir?

Cat: Look Bud, my nasal hairs are vibrating faster than a box full of faulty sex toys.

Kryten: Ok, I'm not questioning your nasal potential, but there's nothing being read.

Lister: What does it smell of any way?

Cat: It's kind of…. Evening airish, with a subtle hint of plum blossom, fish, tomato ketchup and diesel oil.

Rimmer: Got new aftershave on have you Listy?

Lister: No……… sniffs t-shirt neck Errrr, on a completely different subject, I'm gonna go and have a shower.walks off quickly

Cat: Hey! It's gone. I wonder what it was?

Rimmer: At least we know that he does wear aftershave.

Kryten: looking at his console Mr Cat are you smelling anything now?

Cat: No. Why?

Kryten: Because there's an object the size of Barry Manalow's nose heading straight for us!

Rimmer: Suggest we take evasive action. 

Kryten: I disagree Sir.

Rimmer: Why!?

Cat: Because you're a smeg head.

Rimmer: How dare you question a senior crewmember. Mutiny! I can have you dismantled for this.

Kryten: Don't get on your hologramatical high horse! I was just about to tell you that the object has disappeared.

Rimmer: Where?

Kryten: I don't know Sir.

**About an hour later Kryten is still looking for the object, and a deserted ship. Lister has finished in the bathroom and enters the drive room. Cat and Rimmer are somewhere nearby.**

Lister: Found anything?

Kryten: No. The object has disappeared like a bowl of soup in a hostel.

Lister: Do you know what it was?

Kryten: No. The sensors didn't get enough time to analyse it. I can't even tell if it was alive or not.

Lister: Don't worry about it man, it's just going to another one of life's mysteries. Like 'what's the meaning of life?' and 'why do you always spot the spider _after_ you come out of the bathroom?'

Kryten: Yes, I suppose you're right Sir. looks up for the first time Is that a new badge Sir?

Lister: Hmmm? Oh, yeah. I found it when I got out of the shower. It's quite cool isn't it? I had to find a back for it though.

Kryten: Where was it?

Lister: It was sitting on the side in our sleeping quarters; I'm surprised that I hadn't seen it before.

Kryten: Mr Cat, Mr Rimmer, will you come in here please.

Rimmer: What is it you jumped up fax machine?

Kryten: Do you recognise Mr Lister's badge?

Both: No.

Kryten: I think that we may have found our object.

Cat: But how's that the huge object you saw? And how come it's in here?

Kryten: I think that it may be a navigation chart.

Rimmer: That's what I was going to suggest. A chart for navigating. Kryten you're a mind reader!

Lister: A chart for where?

Kryten: Lets put it into the navicom and find out, shall we?

All: Ok.

**Kryten put the small disc into his console. He presses a few buttons and a woman's face appears on the screen.**

Rimmer: A woman!

Lister: Another human!

Cat: A date!

Woman: This is a message from the Discovery Ship "Columbus". My crew are dead. Aboard we have many supplies and new technologies, which I am willing to trade for my safe rescue. Co-ordinates are enclosed. The disc you are watching is a homing device and will take you to my ship, if you wish. Please help me.

Kryten: Ahh, we can get some supplies now.

Rimmer: Yes. Supplies. Plot the course Kryten.

Lister: Yes… we can't have her being alone too long can we?

Cat: How long is the journey gonna take?

Kryten: About 4 hours Sirs.

Cat: WHAT!? 4 hours?! I'm first in the bathroom. gets up quickly

**Lister, Cat and Rimmer are dressed in their finest. They are nearly at the woman's ship.**

Rimmer: wearing a smart uniform I can't believe that you really expect a woman like that to fall for either of you. Ridiculous.

Lister: Why's that then?

Rimmer: She's obviously got class. She won't be persuaded by your gimpish looks or your smeg awful tastes in….. everything.

Lister: I can remember the last time something like this happened.

Kryten: Really? I can't.

Cat: Neither can I.

Lister: It was your ship Kryten. We thought we were going to meet three gorgeous girls. Instead we saw three very dead skeletons.

Cat: So?

Lister: I'm just saying that we shouldn't get our hopes up. Plus, even if she is alive, she may be another psychotic person who tries to kill us.

Rimmer: Well, that's better than some of the dates you've been on before, eh Listy!

** **

**The Dwarfers board the ship. It's very quiet and everywhere has been raided. The guys look down hearted.**

Rimmer: I knew this would happen. There's no one here.

Kryten: That's not true Sir, I'm reading one life sign.

Lister: She's alive then?

Kryten: Someone's alive. Not necessarily her.

**They make their way through the ship, picking up supplies as they go. They come to the lounge room, which is tidy and clean. The next few rooms are also tidy. The guys look hopeful.**

** **

Cat: This looks good. She must be around here somewhere.

Rimmer: calls out Hello? Miss…… miss?

Kryten: We found the homing disc…. We've come to help.

**As the Dwarfers pass under a doorway and person in a tight red cat suit jumps from above, landing on Rimmer. She grabs him around the neck and holds a gun to his head.**

Rimmer: Help.

Woman: Anyone makes a move and he dies.

Cat: Really?

Woman: Yes really!

Cat: goes to walk forwards Lets move then!

Woman: Who are you?

Kryten: We are the crew of the transport vehicle Starbug. We found the homing device and have come to help.

Woman: How do I know that I can trust you?

Kryten: Because, if we wanted to harm you, we wouldn't tell you what I'm about to tell you.

Woman: What?

Kryten: Not only have you jumped on the most cowardly of our group, you have also jumped onto the hologram. If my weapons chip is correct, that gun will not harm Mr Rimmer, or his light bee.

Woman: looks concerned Oh. lets Rimmer go I'll trust you then.

**Cat and Lister point their bazookoids at her. She looks very concerned.**

Woman: I though I could trust you, you bastards.

Lister: You can trust us, but can we trust you?

Woman: Ok, then. My name is First Officer Gemma Andersson. I used to live in London before I joined the Space Core. I have been here for a year or so, but I was cryogenically frozen before that. My crew are all dead, you can have any supplies you wish and I have killed 20 people who tried to 'help' me. Oh, and I haven't eaten any chocolate for 7 months.

Kryten: Do you have an ident-chip?

Gemma: Yes. holds her arm out

Kryten: Gemma Andersson…. 3,000,024……. English……. Rise in aggression as a result of no caffeine.

**Cat and Lister put their bazookoids down.**

Lister: Well, Gemma, shall we get you back to our ship then?

Gemma: Sure, I'm bored with this place anyway. Take what you want.

Cat: You're only talking about supplies aren't you?

Gemma: Yes.

Cat: looks at the others So was I! Very unconvincing voice

**The five of them head back on board Starbug. They take off from the planet having replenished some supplies. Gemma is sitting in the galley eating chocolate. Empty rappers and more chocolate bars surround her.**

Lister: walks in Hungry?

Gemma: No. Chocolate. Mine. Eat. 

Lister: Do we have any chocolate left at all?

Gemma: ignores him and carries on eating

Lister: Is that it? The last of our chocolaty treats? You've scoffed your way through it all?

Gemma: No. There's a few boxes left. Besides, we can raid some off of a deserted ship when we find one.

Lister: Raid? How do you know that we're that kind of salvage vessel?

Gemma: looks Lister up and down, frowns at him I don't know where in the world I could have got that impression from. If I'm wrong then I apologise.

Lister: Nice to hear it.

**Gemma stands up and flushes the empty wrappers into space. She turns to look at Lister.**

Lister: All right all right! Enough with the 3rd degree!!!! We do sometimes go on board ships and take the bare essentials that are desperately needed for the normal running of our lives.

Cat: running in from the drive room Hey, type- writer breath has found a ship we can hack into! It means we can get some more Mr Men puzzle books for our games evening!

**Gemma stares at Lister.**

Lister: What?

Gemma: The bare essentials?

Lister: goes to say something

Kryten: from in the drive room Mr Lister Sir…

Lister: shrugs and goes into drive room What is it Krytie?

Kryten: A ship.

Gemma: Class?

Cat: Unknown.

Gemma: Crew?

Cat: Unknown.

Gemma: Supplies?!

Cat: Unknown.

Gemma: What do you bloody know then?

Lister: From their ident computer I can see they've got the entire collection of Collin's Encyclopaedia.

Gemma: And we need these because…?

Kryten: The scanner room table is a little wobbly and as the encyclopaedias are made from exceptional paper, we can…

Gemma: Is that the only reason why we're going there?

Kryten: No ma'am, our toilet paper is running out and the encyclopaedias are made from exceptional paper...

Gemma: OK! No chocolate, no survivors, no weapons, no… no nothing!

Rimmer: entering and trying to look intelligent Ahh yes, but Space Core Directive 5519203 must be carried out at all times.

Gemma: I think you mean 5519202 Rimmer.

Rimmer: looking a little peeved No, I think you'll find 5519203 is particularly relevant in this situation.

Gemma: getting pissed herself Rimmer, 5519202 is what you are thinking of.

Rimmer: very peeved Look you stupid woman, I am enforcing Space Core Directive 5519203 as the situation is DEMANDING IT!

Gemma: I fail to see how "Any male crewmember found singing the 'YMCA' in the communal showers will be discharged without a trial" is at all related to this situation.

Rimmer: looks at Kryten who nods back at him

Gemma: If you weren't so much of a smeg head then you would realise when a senior crewmember is not only right, but also is wiping your sorry bum so hard in your own mistake that you can see your face in it! breathes in deeply Now Kryten, please explain to Rimmer why 5519202 is relevant to this situation and why he is a smeg head, while I eat the last of the chocolate. walks out

Lister: I'm in love.

Rimmer: What does she mean by senior crewmember?

Kryten: It's true Sirs, Miss Andersson out ranks us all. She's a First Officer with the Space Core.

Rimmer: Brilliant. Perfect. Out ranked by a woman.

Lister: Most women out ranked you back on Red Dwarf.

Rimmer: Yes, but the thing is with her… the problem is… she's… so damn attractive.

Other three: WHAT?!?!

Rimmer: She is!

Lister: Yeah… but… she'd never go with you.

Rimmer: Why?

Cat: You really want an answer?

Rimmer: Why? What's wrong with me? How do you know that she isn't sophisticated, intelligent, sexy and… well… brilliant?

Lister: You've just listed all the reasons why she wouldn't go out with you.

Cat: She's more likely to go out with curry brain, than with you!

Lister: What do you mean, "more likely"?

Cat: When I'M here? I'm irresistible! 

Kryten: Well, she's resisted you so far. I've never understood that saying… maybe it's because us mechanoids…

Cat: Shut up keyboard teeth. She'd never go with you, so keep out of this conversation.

Kryten: I'll have you know that my designers won the "most attractive head" award the year they built me. So don't be so quick to assume that just because you have unfunctionable nipples, she wouldn't go for me.

Rimmer: All right then… a bet. I bet my Reggie Wilson collection saying that I will not only get a date, but a kiss on the first meeting.

Lister: A bet? That would be so degrading for her if she found out.

Cat: I'm in. One of my suits, on the same bet on ME.

Rimmer: Just one?

Cat: Hey hey hey! A big commitment for me. 

Rimmer: Do you think you'll lose then?

Cat: No. I bet t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t…. t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-w-w-w-… tw….ttttttttwwwwwwooooo.

Kryten: Spare heads 2 and 3. With their eyes already inserted.

Lister: KRYTEN!

Kryten: You were the one who taught me to break my programming.

Rimmer: Listie, you'll have to be quick.

Lister: But it's so degrading for her… my zero-g football poster and my…

Others: Guitar.

Lister: No way!

Cat: Scared you'll lose?

Lister: Ok. My guitar.

Rimmer: Sign on the line to make it official. they do so Well gentlemen, happy hunting!

**Gemma is in her sleeping quarters sewing her new out fit together. Lister enters.**

Lister: Hi.

Gemma: Hi.

Lister: trying to look casual What are you doing?

Gemma: looks up slowly Making a new outfit.

Lister: Oh. Cool. What are you doing later?

Gemma: looks suspicious Why?

Lister: I just wondered if you'd like to come out for a beer with me.

Gemma: looks amused Don't we do that every night? It's the only thing to do in a tiny rust bucket like this.

Lister: looks unsure Yes… but… erm… do you want to make it official?

Gemma: Lister…

Lister: Ok then, I'll meet you at 8.00. Don't be too formal; the scanner room isn't very glamorous is it? Oh, and I'll bring my batman costume if you bring… yourself!

**Lister disappears around the corner and walks extra-quickly down the corridor. Gemma remains fixed in her seat, a very puzzled look on her face. Cat goes in to see her.**

Cat: Hey Officer BB!

Gemma: still stunned Hey, Cat.

Cat: How would you like to spend an evening of feline fetish with the most attractive creature on board the ship?

Gemma: I…

Cat: Ooooooooowww! Yeah! See you at 8.00; bring a mirror and a comb! makes a growling noise in the back of his throat

**Cat disappears off in the same direction as Lister and Gemma looks even more scared. Rimmer appears in the doorway.**

Rimmer: Hello ma'am.

Gemma: Oh, hello Rimmer. looks relieved

Rimmer: walks over to her Well, you certainly are very talented. Your fingers are very… useful.

Gemma: Thank you ignores him, as he's Rimmer

Rimmer: Do you like candles?

Gemma: suspiciousYes, they're very relaxing.

Rimmer: Well now I've got that settled I'll see you at 8.00, I'll supply the wine. Belgium ok? Marvellous.

Gemma: Huh!?

**Rimmer runs down the corridor and Gemma is left, yet again, looking petrified and confused. Kryten appears, wearing an unfortunate wig.**

Gemma: KRYTEN! Thank goodness! hugs him

Kryten: Miss…? Gemma….?

Gemma: I have just experienced something even scarier than one of Lister's fry-ups.

Kryten: What? Was there another spider in here? Because _I_ can deal with it, if you want me to. 

Gemma: No, nothing like that! It's really hard to explain. I don't understand what's gone on!

Kryten: Would you like to explain it over dinner? I can cook up a lovely chocolate cake. I know I'm just a mechanoid, but I can be just as interesting as the others. I'll see you at 8.00 then.

**He runs off and Gemma looks scared, puzzled, confused and petrified. The men are in the drive room and Gemma is staying away. They are nearing the wreckage.**

Lister: So… any luck with Gemma? looks smug

Rimmer: Wouldn't you like to know?

**They all look pleased with themselves and keep the secrets from each other. They land the ship on the wreckage and all go looking for anything they can salvage.**

Kryten: Sirs, I'm getting a life sign. It's not far from here, but I suggest we move quickly.

Cat: What a mess, don't these people ever have any ideas about interior design!

Lister: It's wreckage; of course it wouldn't look good on the inside.

Kryten: Yes, but they could make an effort, knowing that someone's going to come and rescue them. It's courtesy!

**They walk over to a large pile of twisted metal and rubble. A pair of legs are sticking out of the pile.**

Rimmer: Well, they're obviously dead, so lets go!

Lister: No! We have to dig him out.

Cat: With my hands!? No way. I have fine hands; I'm not going to cut them just on the suspicion that someone's alive. How selfish of some people!

**The others start digging and uncover Ace Rimmer**

Rimmer: Oh yippy! It's my hero.

Ace: Thanks lads, it was a bit cramped under there and I thought I was going to be girlie and die. Thanks to you brave guys; I'll live to see another day.

Rimmer: Oh, vomiteration.

Lister: What were you doing here?

Ace: Well, I thought that there was a young woman stranded on this wretched wreck. So I decided to come and free her. I was lured onto this ship and it collapsed around me. Luckily I was able to create a makeshift oxygen generator and have survived for several weeks under thee.

Kryten: Well done Mr Ace Sir; but lets head back on board Starbug. I'm worried that the ship might collapse again. 

**They head back on board Starbug, Ace is able to walk (despite his twisted ankle) and Gemma greets them.**

Gemma: Did you find a survivor?

Lister: Yes, Kryten's taken him to the Medi- Bay.

Gemma: I'll go and help him.

**Gemma walks into the Medi-Bay and meets Ace. There is an instant 'ping' between them.**

Kryten: Ah, Mr Ace, this is Miss Gemma.

Ace: Hello.

Gemma: Hi.

Kryten: Mr Ace has a twisted ankle and a few cuts, would you mind dealing with him while I start _cooking dinner_?

Gemma: still looking at AceYes. Sure. Fine.

**Kryten exits and goes to cook the dinner for two. Time passes onto 10.30 and the guys all meet up in the Scanner Room. Lister is there wearing his best pair of jeans and a t-shirt with only a few stains on. Rimmer comes in wearing an Officer's uniform.**

Rimmer: Well Lister, what are you dressed up for?

Lister: Oh… erm… nothing. You?

Rimmer: I was playing 'Risk', haven't had a chance to change.

**Cat comes in wearing a purple spandex outfit (with matching cod-piece).**

** **

Lister: What is that you're wearing!?

Cat: It's my new suit.

**Kryten comes in wearing his Tuxedo and he still has the wig on his head.**

Kryten: I've just been shining the silver. I find wigs make excellent shammy leathers.

Rimmer: And the tux?

Kryten: Can't I look nice while I do it?

Lister: We don't have any silver Kryten.

Kryten: Ok, I've been stood up. By Miss Andersson.

Rimmer: How sad! Stood up by the only woman alive! You're pathetic Kryten, do you really think that those bangles and ball-balls would impress her?

Lister: Stood up as well?

Rimmer: Yes, so?

Cat: I was as well. I don't know why, I'm gorgeous and everything any woman would want.

Lister: I was stood up too.

Cat: That's not surprising.

Rimmer: Well, the question is that if we are all here…

Lister: And she's not in her room.

Rimmer: Where is she?

**Ace runs into the kitchen and goes into the fridge. He picks up some squirty cream and turns around. He starts when he sees them, but does not seem to be embarrassed about being in his 'Large Love-Truncheon Alert' boxer shorts.**

Ace: Well, hello. Nice night for it isn't it?

**He starts to run off, but returns to the fridge to get some ice cubes. She smiles at the others and runs off.**

All except Rimmer: What a guy!


End file.
